I’m not suicidal but what do you call this mindset where if immediate death is headed my way, I wouldn’t try and fight it.

why do i constantly feel like the end of everything around me wouldn’t make a difference; because it feels like they’re already gone.

.

Who needs a lover when you’ve got friends. I’ve been living on this platonic mantra ever since my first real crush at 17. Now i’m 28 and all the friends that i deeply appreciate don’t seem to care or reciprocate after I’ve gather all the strength in my heavy routined body to reach out of my comfort zone, across the massive fact that we all don’t see each other everyday anymore, to reconnect. Guess i’m the only one hurting from loneliness.

today I looked at alexandra; and it hurt.

it hurt to see my best friend not feeling the same way back.

it hurts that I was over thinking, but my best friend still saw me the same way as before.

I’ve cut out so many people in my life that during the breaks of our conversations, i’ve got no one to distract me; only to be hyper focused on the fact that my best friend isn’t thinking about me when in actually fact I was just extra lonely and thinking about her extra much.

I know we won’t make it if we dated, she wants kids but I don’t. she likes to stay home but I do have my cycle of need to get out and get wild. she’s too ‘miss playing it safe’ and actually, me too. i’m sure she’d be okay if I went partying when I need to, but truth is I’d rather have her partying with me.

it hurts that my best friend and I aren’t in sync with the need to go out. it hurts that i’m putting all my need for companionship on alexandra, making it out to look like she doesn’t care as much; when in fact she’s probably the only friend that truly cares. I wish I could cut my funk and appreciate that alexandra is still here, has always been, while the rest aren’t anymore.

random but I feel like if I were to have 3 days left to live, and I use one of the days to host a party after announcing it, you wouldn’t even show up. so much for regarding you as my top 3 closest friend.